Since I have a lot to do right now...

I will blog instead.

It is the first of October. Incredible. It's nearing the end of first week, and there's already so much to be done and so much that has been done. I am pooped out already. Yikes. It's 1 AM and I feel like I've been up for much longer than I have been. I still have to pack for Colorado, to which I fly to tomorrow for soccer. I'm flippin excited for many reasons, but I'm also quite anxious. Excited. Why? Because it will be cold. Also, it's exciting to get to travel with girls I love to play a sport I love in a place I've never been. Anxious. Why? Because we will be playing teams we've never played before at an elevation approximately 5,000 feet above what we're used to. Let's just say, my lungs are gonna truly despise me.

I realized today how much I like how guys' clothing hangs on them. I think I've always noticed it, but today I made note of it in my head how much I like it. I think out of all articles of clothing, t-shirts really get me. Perhaps it's the way shoulder blades make themselves so prominent and the shirt just hangs off guys' bodies. This sounds super pervy and weird but I'm serious! Shirts just don't hang off girls' bodies the way they hang off of guys'. I mean, obviously, we have boobs and (usually) a less prominent fat:muscle ratio, but still. I think I realized it in line at the pasta place in the student center. There was a very tall manboy standing in front of me, and I couldn't stop looking at his shoulder blades. Peculiarly, Suj wrote on SPOPbook: "Shoulder blades." Odd.

More and more I feel myself in situations during which I genuinely can't tell if I'm awake or not. I don't know if it's just me going through the motions or me being stupidly tired, but it's weird. I think I've been doing a lot more observing as of late, and this may contribute to this funky state I find myself drifting in and out of. There's just so much to ponder in life, and it's briefly overwhelming when you think about just how much we don't know. I say "briefly" because usually my mind wanders to some other thought shortly after this repeating epiphany.

I can't believe that in a year, I won't be attending school. What will I be doing? Perhaps I'll be teaching in Korea or wandering the world with a skinny, empty wallet. I just don't know at this point. What is my purpose? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, not that this thought has ever really left my brain or anything. Instead, it's just been swelling up in my head and taking up all the room so no other thoughts can really settle. I think about this question in many different lights, but I suppose the brightest of those lights would be in a spiritual sense.

I'm a Christian. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the "best" Christian I could possibly be. I miss church because of soccer games and I could make more of an effort to find a small group or Bible study to join. But I do try to live the best life I can live. I am conscious and aware of the fact that my actions will be linked to my identity, and this provokes mixed emotions. First, I feel disappointed in myself that maybe the identity that people link my actions to won't have any traces of my beliefs or faith. Perhaps people don't recognize that I'm a Christian. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. Second, I feel ____ (word unknown) because I'm afraid of giving people another thing to bag on in terms of Christians as a whole.

I think I'm rambling now and my fatigue is definitely impeding my thoughts. I think what I put on SPOPbook (in the "What would you like the staff to know about you" section) and in the little box below my profile pic on facebook really defines me:
- I have a childlike sense of fascination.
- I'm pretty much in a state of constant funk and wonder.
I say this because so many things amaze me. Even words. It's crazy how I don't have to carefully think what I'm thinking and what I should be thinking next and how to type and move my fingers and create sentences and so on and so forth. It seriously just spills from our brains through our fingers and onto whatever medium we fancy. I love it.

This is a super unorganized, random post, but I like it. I have to pack still and do philosophy reading/homework and get all my junk together, but I think I'll sleep instead and hopefully wake up in the morning to do it. 8 AM class slaps me in the face, but I think my 9:30 phil class slaps me harder. Double time. I'm really starting to feel old now, especially with the whole interning thing and whatnot. I will write about that later. Anyways, that'll be it for now. That's all, folks. =) Thanks for reading.