As I lay here and do nothing, I find myself letting out a humongous sigh. It's not a sigh of sadness or anything, it's just a big sigh. SPOP is finally over, and the last week was quite draining.
SPOP 8. I still can't believe the coords gave it to me. I truly thought SPOP 6 was my TLO, but I had a glimmer of hope that perhaps the coords would grant me one more. I went into SPOP 8 with little sleep, much like the previous SPOPs, but I tried to staff my heart out. It was the only SPOP I missed breakfast for (the 2nd day), but I think I did my best. After it was done, I felt truly content with my work and quite drained. I was a zombie at work that night. Customers and fellow associates all looked at me like they were wondering what the heck was wrong with me and why my eyes were so tired/poofy.
What was SPOP to me this past summer? It's hard to describe in words. I said during SPOP 8 to Otero that on any given day, my definition of SPOP, or what it meant to me, would be different. I gave a terribly poor metaphor during hall intros and said that SPOP was like skydiving. I said that the staffers were like the people you get strapped to. We are the support system. But the spoppers would have to take that leap of faith. Of course, it would be freaking terrifying for most, hurling themselves into who knows what, but once they pulled that cord, it would be a crazy exhilerating experience. When I was done explaining, I received a lot of blank stares and a few "mmhmms" and snaps from staffers. Whatever, it makes sense to me.
It has seriously taken me several days to recover. And this makes me sad. I'm only gonna be 21 next month, and I feel like I recover like a grandma. Oh well. :) The past month was awesome though. I probably shoulda paid more attention to the philosophy class I'm in... but I guess now I have time to focus more. I feel like the past month rushed by so quickly. So many happenings, but it was all a blur. And now, as I take the opportunity to sit back, reflect, and take a breath, I can't believe that August is already ending. I'll be moving into my new apartment soon, and before I know it (hopefully), the school year will be starting up. As much as I don't want to graduate, I would like for the fall quarter to pass me by unnoticed. There's a freshly kindled excitement within me that I can't quite explain, and sometimes I get embarrassed of myself because I feel childish.
I want to go to Korea. I've never gone during any other season besides summer. I really want to go during fall or spring, but that's pretty much impossible because of school. Everyone says it's so beautiful during those times, and I really wanna experience Korea while not sweating my intestines out and feeling like I have to shower five times a day. AND Eunice is there, and some other whatever people :), and it would be cool to hang out in zee muzzerland. I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to afford a trip in the winter after fall quarter ends, but we'll see. As much as I love the family, I kind of want to explore on my own there this time. I've always been semi-obligated to stick with visiting all the relatives, but I want to just go on a whim and do whatever.
I think I am way too distracted to keep writing, but I think that's a good recap of what's been going on since I last wrote. I am content with what I accomplished during SPOP, I am ready to step it up in terms of summer school, I am anxious for the school year to start, and I am in a state of missing people who've left me and being excited about those who have returned to me. But life is good, regardless. It always is.
Oh, and I guess I should add a goal.
Goal #4: To try as hard as I did during SPOP in my current life thingamajiggers-- summer school, work, friendships, family, faith.
Goal #5 (I'm getting cray cray): To apply what I learned from SPOP in my daily life.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Worst dream I've had in forever..
I woke up this morning at 6 AM on the dot because I was dreaming the worst dream I've had in forever. I woke up crying super hard and I couldn't stop crying for a while. It was really weird. I dreamt that three of my closest friends-- Rina, Lo, and Mary-- died. I think I only knew how Mary died. Some one drugged her drink or something and she ended up drowning. Dang, it was insane. I called them all when I woke up, two times each, but none of them picked up.
So I called my mom.
I seriously have not had that intense of a dream in years. I don't remember the last time a dream woke me up, let alone made me cry my eyes out. My eyes are still puffy from crying so much. It felt so unbelievably real, and even when I was on the phone with my mom, I was crying. Man, even 6 hours later, I can't believe just how real everything was. When I woke up I felt panicked, terrified, helpless, and overwhelmed with grief. It is so nuts how dreams can make you feel like you are really experiencing all that.
To make this post short, I love my friends. I love them with all my heart. From ones I've grown up with to the ones I've just met, friends truly mean the world to me. Dang, I really hope I do not have a dream like that for a long, long time.
Goal #3: To remind those I love how much I love them.
So I called my mom.
I seriously have not had that intense of a dream in years. I don't remember the last time a dream woke me up, let alone made me cry my eyes out. My eyes are still puffy from crying so much. It felt so unbelievably real, and even when I was on the phone with my mom, I was crying. Man, even 6 hours later, I can't believe just how real everything was. When I woke up I felt panicked, terrified, helpless, and overwhelmed with grief. It is so nuts how dreams can make you feel like you are really experiencing all that.
To make this post short, I love my friends. I love them with all my heart. From ones I've grown up with to the ones I've just met, friends truly mean the world to me. Dang, I really hope I do not have a dream like that for a long, long time.
Goal #3: To remind those I love how much I love them.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Down Time
So today, I finally had a free day.
A day free from SPOP, work, school, friends, human contact... everything. Seriously. Just me in the very empty apartment. The hours rolled on as I found amazing ways to waste time and actually watch the sky go from light to dark. As much as I've been complaining to people about how bored I am, it is quite refreshing to have some time to really reflect and relax.
SPOP. Wow. The past three SPOPs I have staffed (1, 2, and 4) have honestly been life-changing. One of the main quotes that past staffers would always say went something along the lines of "From the outside looking in, you can never understand it, but from the inside looking out, it's indescribable." Obviously, before SPOP, I never really understood what the passion I saw in my friend's eyes and heard in their voices when they talked about it. To be honest, I didn't really understand until I actually staffed a hall. Training was fun for others, and for me it was ok-- mostly a learning experience. But staffing, wow. I rediscovered my passion for helping and reaching out to people.
All three SPOPs so far have been really different. The first hall, Otero, was a perfect warmup hall. For the most part, it was quiet with only a few kids staying up during the night. But I really tried to push myself and put myself out there for the kids and the parents. They're all so beautiful. The anticipation, fear, excitement, confusion, and even naivety in their faces seriously just sucks me into getting to know them and wanting to talk to them. My awkwardness and shyness just melt away when I realize how much I really do want to get to know these kids and where they're coming from. Or perhaps, they don't melt away and they're simply covered by that desire. Who knows. The second hall, Cumbre, was incredible. These kids had so much energy and fire that it was insanely contagious. Mike Knox put up a new little section on SPOPbook today where he posted SPOPpers responses from their evals. I was scrolling through, and I found one written to me. Once again, I am at a loss for words. And lastly, Camino was excellent in a different way from the others. I think I really saw CHANGE. I talked with kids who came from rocky pasts and neighborhoods, and I saw tough fronts disappear and transform into gentle personalities. My only regret was not finishing my paper beforehand and pulling an all-nighter the night before SPOP. The lack of sleep really caught up to me that night, and I can't apologize to my fellow staffers and my spoppers enough.
Of course, this program does have its critics, and I won't deny that there are areas to improve upon. But, there is so much positivity that explodes from this program that it blows my mind. The tears shed during Cross the Line and the Touch Game and even hall closing make all the training and whatnot so incredibly worthwhile. I think applying for SPOP staff was one of the best decisions of my life, and I think actually being accepted into the program was one of the greatest blessings of my life. But during all this goodness, I often find myself thinking of Dan and how awesome of a staffer he would have been. I think Dan would be proud though. I hope so.
I can't believe Mike Knox offered me an opportunity to be his intern. Why me? His answer to that question still made me feel unsatisfied, but I feel so grateful toward the coords for suggesting me to him. I really want to accept the position just because I feel like it's an opportunity of a lifetime. Hopefully things will work out and I'll be able to accept.
So in short, life is good. When is it not good, though? Sure there are times when so much seems so wrong, but you got to put it all in perspective. It's easy to be blinded by temporary hardships but life is about so much more than that. What may seem like a monumental setback in your journey through life is really so trivial. Life is a journey. It's not about everything working out and happening just the way you want it. Our purpose here is greater than getting caught up in the madness that ensues in our lives. Seriously, life is too good and too sweet to not enjoy on a constant basis.
Goal #2: To do something I'm afraid of.
A day free from SPOP, work, school, friends, human contact... everything. Seriously. Just me in the very empty apartment. The hours rolled on as I found amazing ways to waste time and actually watch the sky go from light to dark. As much as I've been complaining to people about how bored I am, it is quite refreshing to have some time to really reflect and relax.
SPOP. Wow. The past three SPOPs I have staffed (1, 2, and 4) have honestly been life-changing. One of the main quotes that past staffers would always say went something along the lines of "From the outside looking in, you can never understand it, but from the inside looking out, it's indescribable." Obviously, before SPOP, I never really understood what the passion I saw in my friend's eyes and heard in their voices when they talked about it. To be honest, I didn't really understand until I actually staffed a hall. Training was fun for others, and for me it was ok-- mostly a learning experience. But staffing, wow. I rediscovered my passion for helping and reaching out to people.
All three SPOPs so far have been really different. The first hall, Otero, was a perfect warmup hall. For the most part, it was quiet with only a few kids staying up during the night. But I really tried to push myself and put myself out there for the kids and the parents. They're all so beautiful. The anticipation, fear, excitement, confusion, and even naivety in their faces seriously just sucks me into getting to know them and wanting to talk to them. My awkwardness and shyness just melt away when I realize how much I really do want to get to know these kids and where they're coming from. Or perhaps, they don't melt away and they're simply covered by that desire. Who knows. The second hall, Cumbre, was incredible. These kids had so much energy and fire that it was insanely contagious. Mike Knox put up a new little section on SPOPbook today where he posted SPOPpers responses from their evals. I was scrolling through, and I found one written to me. Once again, I am at a loss for words. And lastly, Camino was excellent in a different way from the others. I think I really saw CHANGE. I talked with kids who came from rocky pasts and neighborhoods, and I saw tough fronts disappear and transform into gentle personalities. My only regret was not finishing my paper beforehand and pulling an all-nighter the night before SPOP. The lack of sleep really caught up to me that night, and I can't apologize to my fellow staffers and my spoppers enough.
Of course, this program does have its critics, and I won't deny that there are areas to improve upon. But, there is so much positivity that explodes from this program that it blows my mind. The tears shed during Cross the Line and the Touch Game and even hall closing make all the training and whatnot so incredibly worthwhile. I think applying for SPOP staff was one of the best decisions of my life, and I think actually being accepted into the program was one of the greatest blessings of my life. But during all this goodness, I often find myself thinking of Dan and how awesome of a staffer he would have been. I think Dan would be proud though. I hope so.
I can't believe Mike Knox offered me an opportunity to be his intern. Why me? His answer to that question still made me feel unsatisfied, but I feel so grateful toward the coords for suggesting me to him. I really want to accept the position just because I feel like it's an opportunity of a lifetime. Hopefully things will work out and I'll be able to accept.
So in short, life is good. When is it not good, though? Sure there are times when so much seems so wrong, but you got to put it all in perspective. It's easy to be blinded by temporary hardships but life is about so much more than that. What may seem like a monumental setback in your journey through life is really so trivial. Life is a journey. It's not about everything working out and happening just the way you want it. Our purpose here is greater than getting caught up in the madness that ensues in our lives. Seriously, life is too good and too sweet to not enjoy on a constant basis.
Goal #2: To do something I'm afraid of.
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