Too lazy to go to the arc...

It has been a while. I just got back from a lil' welcome/training thing at DOS, and I really should go to the ARC. I went two days ago with Cin, and I am sad to say that I still feel like I was possibly hit by a train or the Titanic or something like that-- maybe even the Titanic on wheels that rolled down a large mountain.

I am pretty dang stoked about this internship thing. I still cannot believe mikeknox asked me to be his intern, and I feel like I have a lot of expectations to fulfill. Hopefully, I do not disappoint. I am nervous, to be honest, because I feel like the other interns already have what they want to accomplish in mind. And here I am, quite new to the whole thing. I think it will be an awesome learning experience, regardless, and I'm genuinely excited for the doors this opportunity will open up.

SCHOOL! School starts in a week! WEOGJAELWGJ! I just got added to the classics class I was waitlisted for. I was originally #50 something, perhaps even higher, but I got added. PHEW. Pretty relieving considering the fact that my 194W professor sent out an email that sounded like it was directed towards me. So it looks like I will be dropping 194W so I can take the class that the internship requires me to take, and I will be taking classics along with half my team. Hoorah. I shall not let this be a repeat of freshmen year when I took astronomy with some teammates =).

SOCCER! LKSDGJALKSDJG. I am honestly so excited/saddened when I think about this upcoming season. It very well may be my last year of soccer. EVER. It's a bit heart-wrenching to say the least to know that I may have to move on from one of the greatest passions in my life. I can't believe we play next weekend already. And the weekend after that, we go to Colorado. Summer flew by pretty quickly now that I think about. I love this down time though when you can just sink into your bed, reflect, and transfer your thoughts from brain to computer whilst listening to the sound of the wind moving the blinds and the gentle rumble of traffic. As I often find myself thinking, life is good.

Meeting the other DOS interns made me think, though, "What have I done with my life thus far?" Honestly. These are like, super motivated people. I listened to the goals they had set out for themselves and the articulation with which they spoke, and I felt the awkward pieces of Captain Crunch I was snacking on settle and combine in my stomach as one large chunk of respect. I was never a leader on campus before, even in high school. Of course, I was in sports, but on campus, I never got involved with leadership or anything like that. There's so much more to the world than soccer or sports, and I realize that I have let my perspective narrow over time. I mean, obviously I don't think of the world as revolving around the Lakers or Dodgers or sports or whatever, but sports have just always played a huge role in my life. But I regret letting my passion handicap my capacity to explore other fields. I am set on utilizing Passport to help broaden my horizons. =)

I am obsessed with the CD Zelda made me. Thanks, girl. I lava you. I cannot stop listening to MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend - Heartbreaker
I recommend you listen to this song if you haven't heard it before. Great beat plus John Legend's sexy smooth voice=wandaful.

I feel sleepy now. I haven't woken up early in like... many moons, and I had to today. I seriously need to work out though, so hopefully after I finish this post, I will have overpowered my thoughts of sleep with thoughts of me not dying on the field due to lack of conditioning. So long for now, friends.

edit: FAIL. I just woke up from a nap. Slept through 3 calls and 3 texts. Sigh. One day, I shall overcome sleep's sweet siren calls. But for now, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hrIPRcq5V4&feature=sub. Beautiful stuff, right? Enjoy.

Time to recover

As I lay here and do nothing, I find myself letting out a humongous sigh. It's not a sigh of sadness or anything, it's just a big sigh. SPOP is finally over, and the last week was quite draining.

SPOP 8. I still can't believe the coords gave it to me. I truly thought SPOP 6 was my TLO, but I had a glimmer of hope that perhaps the coords would grant me one more. I went into SPOP 8 with little sleep, much like the previous SPOPs, but I tried to staff my heart out. It was the only SPOP I missed breakfast for (the 2nd day), but I think I did my best. After it was done, I felt truly content with my work and quite drained. I was a zombie at work that night. Customers and fellow associates all looked at me like they were wondering what the heck was wrong with me and why my eyes were so tired/poofy.

What was SPOP to me this past summer? It's hard to describe in words. I said during SPOP 8 to Otero that on any given day, my definition of SPOP, or what it meant to me, would be different. I gave a terribly poor metaphor during hall intros and said that SPOP was like skydiving. I said that the staffers were like the people you get strapped to. We are the support system. But the spoppers would have to take that leap of faith. Of course, it would be freaking terrifying for most, hurling themselves into who knows what, but once they pulled that cord, it would be a crazy exhilerating experience. When I was done explaining, I received a lot of blank stares and a few "mmhmms" and snaps from staffers. Whatever, it makes sense to me.

It has seriously taken me several days to recover. And this makes me sad. I'm only gonna be 21 next month, and I feel like I recover like a grandma. Oh well. :) The past month was awesome though. I probably shoulda paid more attention to the philosophy class I'm in... but I guess now I have time to focus more. I feel like the past month rushed by so quickly. So many happenings, but it was all a blur. And now, as I take the opportunity to sit back, reflect, and take a breath, I can't believe that August is already ending. I'll be moving into my new apartment soon, and before I know it (hopefully), the school year will be starting up. As much as I don't want to graduate, I would like for the fall quarter to pass me by unnoticed. There's a freshly kindled excitement within me that I can't quite explain, and sometimes I get embarrassed of myself because I feel childish.

I want to go to Korea. I've never gone during any other season besides summer. I really want to go during fall or spring, but that's pretty much impossible because of school. Everyone says it's so beautiful during those times, and I really wanna experience Korea while not sweating my intestines out and feeling like I have to shower five times a day. AND Eunice is there, and some other whatever people :), and it would be cool to hang out in zee muzzerland. I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to afford a trip in the winter after fall quarter ends, but we'll see. As much as I love the family, I kind of want to explore on my own there this time. I've always been semi-obligated to stick with visiting all the relatives, but I want to just go on a whim and do whatever.

I think I am way too distracted to keep writing, but I think that's a good recap of what's been going on since I last wrote. I am content with what I accomplished during SPOP, I am ready to step it up in terms of summer school, I am anxious for the school year to start, and I am in a state of missing people who've left me and being excited about those who have returned to me. But life is good, regardless. It always is.

Oh, and I guess I should add a goal.

Goal #4: To try as hard as I did during SPOP in my current life thingamajiggers-- summer school, work, friendships, family, faith.

Goal #5 (I'm getting cray cray): To apply what I learned from SPOP in my daily life.

Worst dream I've had in forever..

I woke up this morning at 6 AM on the dot because I was dreaming the worst dream I've had in forever. I woke up crying super hard and I couldn't stop crying for a while. It was really weird. I dreamt that three of my closest friends-- Rina, Lo, and Mary-- died. I think I only knew how Mary died. Some one drugged her drink or something and she ended up drowning. Dang, it was insane. I called them all when I woke up, two times each, but none of them picked up.

So I called my mom.

I seriously have not had that intense of a dream in years. I don't remember the last time a dream woke me up, let alone made me cry my eyes out. My eyes are still puffy from crying so much. It felt so unbelievably real, and even when I was on the phone with my mom, I was crying. Man, even 6 hours later, I can't believe just how real everything was. When I woke up I felt panicked, terrified, helpless, and overwhelmed with grief. It is so nuts how dreams can make you feel like you are really experiencing all that.

To make this post short, I love my friends. I love them with all my heart. From ones I've grown up with to the ones I've just met, friends truly mean the world to me. Dang, I really hope I do not have a dream like that for a long, long time.

Goal #3: To remind those I love how much I love them.

Down Time

So today, I finally had a free day.

A day free from SPOP, work, school, friends, human contact... everything. Seriously. Just me in the very empty apartment. The hours rolled on as I found amazing ways to waste time and actually watch the sky go from light to dark. As much as I've been complaining to people about how bored I am, it is quite refreshing to have some time to really reflect and relax.

SPOP. Wow. The past three SPOPs I have staffed (1, 2, and 4) have honestly been life-changing. One of the main quotes that past staffers would always say went something along the lines of "From the outside looking in, you can never understand it, but from the inside looking out, it's indescribable." Obviously, before SPOP, I never really understood what the passion I saw in my friend's eyes and heard in their voices when they talked about it. To be honest, I didn't really understand until I actually staffed a hall. Training was fun for others, and for me it was ok-- mostly a learning experience. But staffing, wow. I rediscovered my passion for helping and reaching out to people.

All three SPOPs so far have been really different. The first hall, Otero, was a perfect warmup hall. For the most part, it was quiet with only a few kids staying up during the night. But I really tried to push myself and put myself out there for the kids and the parents. They're all so beautiful. The anticipation, fear, excitement, confusion, and even naivety in their faces seriously just sucks me into getting to know them and wanting to talk to them. My awkwardness and shyness just melt away when I realize how much I really do want to get to know these kids and where they're coming from. Or perhaps, they don't melt away and they're simply covered by that desire. Who knows. The second hall, Cumbre, was incredible. These kids had so much energy and fire that it was insanely contagious. Mike Knox put up a new little section on SPOPbook today where he posted SPOPpers responses from their evals. I was scrolling through, and I found one written to me. Once again, I am at a loss for words. And lastly, Camino was excellent in a different way from the others. I think I really saw CHANGE. I talked with kids who came from rocky pasts and neighborhoods, and I saw tough fronts disappear and transform into gentle personalities. My only regret was not finishing my paper beforehand and pulling an all-nighter the night before SPOP. The lack of sleep really caught up to me that night, and I can't apologize to my fellow staffers and my spoppers enough.

Of course, this program does have its critics, and I won't deny that there are areas to improve upon. But, there is so much positivity that explodes from this program that it blows my mind. The tears shed during Cross the Line and the Touch Game and even hall closing make all the training and whatnot so incredibly worthwhile. I think applying for SPOP staff was one of the best decisions of my life, and I think actually being accepted into the program was one of the greatest blessings of my life. But during all this goodness, I often find myself thinking of Dan and how awesome of a staffer he would have been. I think Dan would be proud though. I hope so.

I can't believe Mike Knox offered me an opportunity to be his intern. Why me? His answer to that question still made me feel unsatisfied, but I feel so grateful toward the coords for suggesting me to him. I really want to accept the position just because I feel like it's an opportunity of a lifetime. Hopefully things will work out and I'll be able to accept.

So in short, life is good. When is it not good, though? Sure there are times when so much seems so wrong, but you got to put it all in perspective. It's easy to be blinded by temporary hardships but life is about so much more than that. What may seem like a monumental setback in your journey through life is really so trivial. Life is a journey. It's not about everything working out and happening just the way you want it. Our purpose here is greater than getting caught up in the madness that ensues in our lives. Seriously, life is too good and too sweet to not enjoy on a constant basis.

Goal #2: To do something I'm afraid of.

Quiet summer nights make me so nostalgic...

It's summer time, and it's oh so quiet outside. Even in the apartment, I barely hear any movement. There's the occasional slide of the person upstairs sliding a closet door or walking around, and there's the sound of my Uyen making trips to the kitchen and then shutting herself in her room again. The world seems to be at peace right now.

While I was home, I was reminded of my friends who have passed away. I have a picture of Dan randomly in My Documents on my computer, and as I was browsing through my files, my dad was like, "Why do you have a picture of Simon JDSN?" (He's the youth pastor at my church back home.) I was confused because I definitely do not have a picture of him. My dad made me scroll up and finally pointed at the picture of Dan. He was like, "Isn't that Simon?" I told my dad that it was not him, but my dad, being the guy he is, was adamant that it was Simon. When he finally asked who it was then, I simply replied, "That's my friend, Dan." To that, my dad paused and chuckled, "He sure looks a lot like Simon." My dad knows that I had a friend who passed away last year, but to him, Dan was just one of my friends.

My cousins came over for Father's Day and I was sprawled on my parent's big couch in their room watching baseball with my brother, when my younger cousin came into the room, laughing, holding Joonha's tennis racquet/cane. She questioned me and asked me what the heck the thing was. It's understandable. I mean, it's not everyday you see a tennis racquet that's been made into a cane. I simply said, "It was my friend Joonha's..." It's been almost 3 years since Joonha passed away. It still blows my mind. I can honestly say there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about him and Dan. It's been two years since Hector passed away. I've lost so many friends during my college years-- friends from home and a friend from here. It's weird though, because I still cry just as easily now as I did then.

I'm reading a book called The Shack. It's about a man whose youngest daughter is kidnapped and murdered while they're on a trip. I'm about 1/3 of the way through, and the main character has just met God. There's a part that I had to dog ear because it struck me. Mack, the main character, realizes that "there was much in the world about which he was naive." It's so true. We go through life often subconsciously thinking we have it all figured out. Of course, when we take a step back we come to the realizations that there is stuff we just don't understand. But while we get caught up in the current, it's so easy to forget just truly how naive we are.

I don't like regretting things, but one of the things I still regret to this day is not saying bye to Dan. I still remember that night so vividly. We were all at John's house, and I went upstairs to John's room because I was tired and I felt like being in a quiet place. The only other person in the room I remember was Alexis. I was almost asleep, but not quite asleep... still aware of what was going on around me. I heard Dan come into the room to say goodbye to everyone, and he asked who was sleeping on the bed. When someone replied, he said, "Oh.. let her sleep." I felt him come over, hug me, and say goodbye. I KNEW what was going on, but I was too tired to respond. I would give so much to get that moment back. That was the last time any of us ever saw Dan.

It's hard to live life and treat others as if we might leave this world at any moment. SPOP has challenged me to live life with open eyes and a judgment-free heart. I try and love as deeply and truly as I can. I cherish my family and my friends, and I try to remember and always be conscious of how influential we can be upon people we may not even know. My family and friends have all influenced me in powerful ways, and I thank God for the blessings He constantly showers down on me.

Kriselda told me that one of the reasons she started a blog was to make a list of things to do this summer. Well here's my first one.
Goal #1: To change someone's life like Joonha, Hector, and Dan changed mine. RIP, guys.

Summer makes me start new things...

With the help of Kriselda, I decided that Xanga was so 2000-late. Hello, new and trendy blog. Ben Wong even got me into Twitter. My life is falling prey to the internet... as if it hasn't enough already. I'm even going to try capitalizing properly. How daring am I?!