So much on the mind as of late

Yesterday while interning, I was trying to gather some pictures of my family for my Korean project, so I decided to go through my old Xanga. Remember that? Xanga. Oh gee. Anyways, I forgot how long I actually used that thing, and I was going through all those old posts and it brought back crazy memories. I found an entry from 2004 December 1st, and it just reminded me of how quickly life passes us by. But as quickly as it may pass, life is so thorough and complex. It's not like we can describe the last few years in a few sentences. And if we do, it's because we've forgotten or overlooked so much.

I'm not ready to graduate. And in fact, I think I may not even walk in June. I'm trying to figure out if staying an extra quarter or so to finish up philosophy will be worth it. I'm genuinely scared to grow up. So many of the people I hang out with are younger by a year or two. And I realized that I don't see my older friends as much anymore because they've moved on with their lives. College has come and gone for them, and they're now facing the bigger and badder. But when I feel apprehensive about the future and getting older, I remember what Marlo told me about his perspective on aging. He told me that when people would tell him that he was old or whatever, he would thank them and take it as a compliment. He told me that it's one of God's greatest blessings to give us the privilege of aging and experiencing life. That's just such a beautiful way to look at things.

So much has been going on. These last few weeks of school are overwhelming when I look at them while in the moment. But then I take a step back and examine my life in the midst of the Big Picture... and this part of my life is so minuscule and incomprehensibly tiny that it's relieving and even somewhat amusing. It's not that I don't think that school is important or anything, but it's incredibly relieving to remember that there is a Bigger Picture. My mind has felt so littered with concerns to the point of my own basic thoughts feeling claustrophobic due to the lack of room up there, but I always find peace in Him.

The weather is perfect.

Sitting in the student center is one of my favorite things, whether it be inside or outside or downstairs or whatnot. The weather is truly perfect. Not too hot at all but the sun is shining just enough to balance out the cool weather with a faded and worn sorta blue sky. The Career Fair is tomorrow, and I am not prepared. I am not prepared in many senses. I haven't updated my resume in forever and I feel like, once again, the event crept up on me without my knowing. Maybe I'll update my resume tonight after I get home from tutoring. We'll see.

I had a really good talk with Jada a few nights ago. We were just winding down in the jacuzzi after soccer practice and some homework, and I brought up the topic of homosexuality. It was a very reaffirming talk even though I have such mixed feelings about the topic. I feel like my unsteady foundation in this area wasn't steadied in any aspect, but I do feel like the surface area got a little smaller. All the gray areas in the world really pick your brain, don't they? So much of my life, or at least my college life, has been spent trying to understand and comprehend. I think that's why I like philosophy so much. It makes me start from the basics and then work my way upward... or outward. I think it's important to figure out why we think the way we do and to understand where these thoughts come from. I don't think that statement made any sense. Oh well.

My brother left for NY this morning, and it's weird knowing that I won't see him until probably Christmas. But I'm happy for him and Sujung. Hopefully he'll begin to sift through his life and start figuring stuff out for himself.

Musicians amaze me. iTunes is on shuffle right now and I'm listening to The Beatles- Across the Universe. The lyrics are incredible. Every word is so poetic and perfect. It would be incredible to have a musical gift with which you could create timeless music.

I really have no idea what I blog about nowadays. But I do like being able to put down the madness that is my thoughts down so I can look back and think, "Man, my brain is so cluttered." Anyways, time to change into "casual-business attire" and head to Admin Intern class. Oh boy.

Had soccer practice in the rain a few nights ago

And it made me feel perfectly, peacefully elated. I think elated is always linked to extreme energy and excitement, but can you be elated in peace? That's how I felt. Running around with the gentle rain made me reminisce about the high school and club days, but I didn't feel nostalgic in a sad way. I often contemplate if I am too content with life. Every morning I wake up and prepare myself for a 9-4 or 8-5 day, and half-way through, I'm usually pooped out. But, I can't find anything to not feel content with. I remember I actually had a purpose for this blog entry, but I can't remember it. It was either during practice... or something else... when I thought, "I should blog about this here thought..." But. I forget.

I am on a current Kings of Leon and Dishwalla music binge. It's all I listen to. I just turned my iTunes on shuffle, and it feels really weird.

Interactions and relationships fascinate me. From the random everyday interactions you have with strangers to the relationships that continue to build from day to day, it's all so wild. The power we hold is often inconceivable. It's so easy to pass judgment, but it can be so hard to try and see where that person is coming from. I think I have been getting better at holding my tongue when letting it loose is simply unnecessary and juvenile. Then I think, is it possible to withhold judgment about people passing judgment? I dunno.

But that makes me think of something else. Is it possible to be TOO accepting of people? Or TOO understanding? I think whenever my friends get pissed off at strangers, I try to be the neutralizer and offer a different point of view. But are there situations in which it just gets to be too much?

The rain was refreshing though. Today is supposed to be like 80 degrees though, out of nowhere. But that's ok, because I'm ready for the surf. =) I wish I had a free day, and I have to admit I'm somewhat relieved about SB backing out of our game on Saturday because that finally gives me a day to sleep in. But then, I'll definitely be hitting the beach.

Do you ever get self-conscious about how much you write "I" or "me" or "my"? I do. See? Even there. AHH. Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking about myself too much. Is that weird? It's something I think about every time I'm talking to someone, but I really don't know how to avoid it. And yes, I have definitely been thinking about it more than usual through this entire paragraph.

This post was all over the place. And I feel like I've said that before. And I feel like I've said that before. And so on. Infinite regress problem. I can't focus anymore even though I'm trying to squeeze the noise of the TV and people in student center out of my ears by blasting some Beatles through my headphones. That is all for now, folks. Ta ta!

Stuck between two teammates...

Gives me the opportunity to blog. First tournament of the season and we're in Colorado. This is the furthest I've ever traveled for sports, and I'm glad I finally get a chance to do this before graduating. Whilst being sandwiched between Jada and Lisa, I realize how much I love the team aspect of soccer. I honestly will miss this so much, so I shall follow the words of Tim McGraw and "live like [I] [am] dying." Listen to that song: "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. So good.

My battery is at 13%, speaking of dying.

I'm nervous for this weekend. Playing a lot of new teams at an elevation 5,000 feet higher than what we're used to. Oh boy. Bring it on. Also, it's cold. All I can say is thank God for North Face pullovers and warm glove/mitten things. But I am really hot right now. But I don't like moving and waking people up, so I will just lay here.

There was a homeless man who approached us at Denny's. He was telling us about how his friends froze to death. It was random and weird, and that provoked some giggles from the girls, but it was really sad at the same time. I wish I could understand where he was coming from and what he had potentially been through, but there's just no way I can. Two topics of the night that came up were: 1. old people who work not so great of jobs and 2. homeless people. I talked about both with Lisa, and I dunno, it put a weird spin on the night. It's strange how in a place and time during which I can be having such a good time, there is so much reality all around. People are constantly trying to survive and progress in a world where so much impedes that progression. In a world where it's so easy to get caught up in the good life, it's necessary to remember the everyday struggles of those around us as well. As I walked hand in hand, with Susie and Lisa, back to the hotel, I think I appreciated everything a little bit more. I don't think it's a bad thing for something not necessarily positive to push you towards appreciation a little bit more. But at the same time, we shouldn't rely on these wake-up calls.

Once again I think I'm rambling. It's getting really hot with sweats on and the additional 50 pounds of blanket on top of me, so I shall end here with 3 minutes of battery life left. Friends, I love you. Love those you come across with an open heart and mind. Wow. Call me cliche if you will, but fo real. =) Gnite.

Since I have a lot to do right now...

I will blog instead.

It is the first of October. Incredible. It's nearing the end of first week, and there's already so much to be done and so much that has been done. I am pooped out already. Yikes. It's 1 AM and I feel like I've been up for much longer than I have been. I still have to pack for Colorado, to which I fly to tomorrow for soccer. I'm flippin excited for many reasons, but I'm also quite anxious. Excited. Why? Because it will be cold. Also, it's exciting to get to travel with girls I love to play a sport I love in a place I've never been. Anxious. Why? Because we will be playing teams we've never played before at an elevation approximately 5,000 feet above what we're used to. Let's just say, my lungs are gonna truly despise me.

I realized today how much I like how guys' clothing hangs on them. I think I've always noticed it, but today I made note of it in my head how much I like it. I think out of all articles of clothing, t-shirts really get me. Perhaps it's the way shoulder blades make themselves so prominent and the shirt just hangs off guys' bodies. This sounds super pervy and weird but I'm serious! Shirts just don't hang off girls' bodies the way they hang off of guys'. I mean, obviously, we have boobs and (usually) a less prominent fat:muscle ratio, but still. I think I realized it in line at the pasta place in the student center. There was a very tall manboy standing in front of me, and I couldn't stop looking at his shoulder blades. Peculiarly, Suj wrote on SPOPbook: "Shoulder blades." Odd.

More and more I feel myself in situations during which I genuinely can't tell if I'm awake or not. I don't know if it's just me going through the motions or me being stupidly tired, but it's weird. I think I've been doing a lot more observing as of late, and this may contribute to this funky state I find myself drifting in and out of. There's just so much to ponder in life, and it's briefly overwhelming when you think about just how much we don't know. I say "briefly" because usually my mind wanders to some other thought shortly after this repeating epiphany.

I can't believe that in a year, I won't be attending school. What will I be doing? Perhaps I'll be teaching in Korea or wandering the world with a skinny, empty wallet. I just don't know at this point. What is my purpose? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, not that this thought has ever really left my brain or anything. Instead, it's just been swelling up in my head and taking up all the room so no other thoughts can really settle. I think about this question in many different lights, but I suppose the brightest of those lights would be in a spiritual sense.

I'm a Christian. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the "best" Christian I could possibly be. I miss church because of soccer games and I could make more of an effort to find a small group or Bible study to join. But I do try to live the best life I can live. I am conscious and aware of the fact that my actions will be linked to my identity, and this provokes mixed emotions. First, I feel disappointed in myself that maybe the identity that people link my actions to won't have any traces of my beliefs or faith. Perhaps people don't recognize that I'm a Christian. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. Second, I feel ____ (word unknown) because I'm afraid of giving people another thing to bag on in terms of Christians as a whole.

I think I'm rambling now and my fatigue is definitely impeding my thoughts. I think what I put on SPOPbook (in the "What would you like the staff to know about you" section) and in the little box below my profile pic on facebook really defines me:
- I have a childlike sense of fascination.
- I'm pretty much in a state of constant funk and wonder.
I say this because so many things amaze me. Even words. It's crazy how I don't have to carefully think what I'm thinking and what I should be thinking next and how to type and move my fingers and create sentences and so on and so forth. It seriously just spills from our brains through our fingers and onto whatever medium we fancy. I love it.

This is a super unorganized, random post, but I like it. I have to pack still and do philosophy reading/homework and get all my junk together, but I think I'll sleep instead and hopefully wake up in the morning to do it. 8 AM class slaps me in the face, but I think my 9:30 phil class slaps me harder. Double time. I'm really starting to feel old now, especially with the whole interning thing and whatnot. I will write about that later. Anyways, that'll be it for now. That's all, folks. =) Thanks for reading.

Too lazy to go to the arc...

It has been a while. I just got back from a lil' welcome/training thing at DOS, and I really should go to the ARC. I went two days ago with Cin, and I am sad to say that I still feel like I was possibly hit by a train or the Titanic or something like that-- maybe even the Titanic on wheels that rolled down a large mountain.

I am pretty dang stoked about this internship thing. I still cannot believe mikeknox asked me to be his intern, and I feel like I have a lot of expectations to fulfill. Hopefully, I do not disappoint. I am nervous, to be honest, because I feel like the other interns already have what they want to accomplish in mind. And here I am, quite new to the whole thing. I think it will be an awesome learning experience, regardless, and I'm genuinely excited for the doors this opportunity will open up.

SCHOOL! School starts in a week! WEOGJAELWGJ! I just got added to the classics class I was waitlisted for. I was originally #50 something, perhaps even higher, but I got added. PHEW. Pretty relieving considering the fact that my 194W professor sent out an email that sounded like it was directed towards me. So it looks like I will be dropping 194W so I can take the class that the internship requires me to take, and I will be taking classics along with half my team. Hoorah. I shall not let this be a repeat of freshmen year when I took astronomy with some teammates =).

SOCCER! LKSDGJALKSDJG. I am honestly so excited/saddened when I think about this upcoming season. It very well may be my last year of soccer. EVER. It's a bit heart-wrenching to say the least to know that I may have to move on from one of the greatest passions in my life. I can't believe we play next weekend already. And the weekend after that, we go to Colorado. Summer flew by pretty quickly now that I think about. I love this down time though when you can just sink into your bed, reflect, and transfer your thoughts from brain to computer whilst listening to the sound of the wind moving the blinds and the gentle rumble of traffic. As I often find myself thinking, life is good.

Meeting the other DOS interns made me think, though, "What have I done with my life thus far?" Honestly. These are like, super motivated people. I listened to the goals they had set out for themselves and the articulation with which they spoke, and I felt the awkward pieces of Captain Crunch I was snacking on settle and combine in my stomach as one large chunk of respect. I was never a leader on campus before, even in high school. Of course, I was in sports, but on campus, I never got involved with leadership or anything like that. There's so much more to the world than soccer or sports, and I realize that I have let my perspective narrow over time. I mean, obviously I don't think of the world as revolving around the Lakers or Dodgers or sports or whatever, but sports have just always played a huge role in my life. But I regret letting my passion handicap my capacity to explore other fields. I am set on utilizing Passport to help broaden my horizons. =)

I am obsessed with the CD Zelda made me. Thanks, girl. I lava you. I cannot stop listening to MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend - Heartbreaker
I recommend you listen to this song if you haven't heard it before. Great beat plus John Legend's sexy smooth voice=wandaful.

I feel sleepy now. I haven't woken up early in like... many moons, and I had to today. I seriously need to work out though, so hopefully after I finish this post, I will have overpowered my thoughts of sleep with thoughts of me not dying on the field due to lack of conditioning. So long for now, friends.

edit: FAIL. I just woke up from a nap. Slept through 3 calls and 3 texts. Sigh. One day, I shall overcome sleep's sweet siren calls. But for now, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hrIPRcq5V4&feature=sub. Beautiful stuff, right? Enjoy.

Time to recover

As I lay here and do nothing, I find myself letting out a humongous sigh. It's not a sigh of sadness or anything, it's just a big sigh. SPOP is finally over, and the last week was quite draining.

SPOP 8. I still can't believe the coords gave it to me. I truly thought SPOP 6 was my TLO, but I had a glimmer of hope that perhaps the coords would grant me one more. I went into SPOP 8 with little sleep, much like the previous SPOPs, but I tried to staff my heart out. It was the only SPOP I missed breakfast for (the 2nd day), but I think I did my best. After it was done, I felt truly content with my work and quite drained. I was a zombie at work that night. Customers and fellow associates all looked at me like they were wondering what the heck was wrong with me and why my eyes were so tired/poofy.

What was SPOP to me this past summer? It's hard to describe in words. I said during SPOP 8 to Otero that on any given day, my definition of SPOP, or what it meant to me, would be different. I gave a terribly poor metaphor during hall intros and said that SPOP was like skydiving. I said that the staffers were like the people you get strapped to. We are the support system. But the spoppers would have to take that leap of faith. Of course, it would be freaking terrifying for most, hurling themselves into who knows what, but once they pulled that cord, it would be a crazy exhilerating experience. When I was done explaining, I received a lot of blank stares and a few "mmhmms" and snaps from staffers. Whatever, it makes sense to me.

It has seriously taken me several days to recover. And this makes me sad. I'm only gonna be 21 next month, and I feel like I recover like a grandma. Oh well. :) The past month was awesome though. I probably shoulda paid more attention to the philosophy class I'm in... but I guess now I have time to focus more. I feel like the past month rushed by so quickly. So many happenings, but it was all a blur. And now, as I take the opportunity to sit back, reflect, and take a breath, I can't believe that August is already ending. I'll be moving into my new apartment soon, and before I know it (hopefully), the school year will be starting up. As much as I don't want to graduate, I would like for the fall quarter to pass me by unnoticed. There's a freshly kindled excitement within me that I can't quite explain, and sometimes I get embarrassed of myself because I feel childish.

I want to go to Korea. I've never gone during any other season besides summer. I really want to go during fall or spring, but that's pretty much impossible because of school. Everyone says it's so beautiful during those times, and I really wanna experience Korea while not sweating my intestines out and feeling like I have to shower five times a day. AND Eunice is there, and some other whatever people :), and it would be cool to hang out in zee muzzerland. I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to afford a trip in the winter after fall quarter ends, but we'll see. As much as I love the family, I kind of want to explore on my own there this time. I've always been semi-obligated to stick with visiting all the relatives, but I want to just go on a whim and do whatever.

I think I am way too distracted to keep writing, but I think that's a good recap of what's been going on since I last wrote. I am content with what I accomplished during SPOP, I am ready to step it up in terms of summer school, I am anxious for the school year to start, and I am in a state of missing people who've left me and being excited about those who have returned to me. But life is good, regardless. It always is.

Oh, and I guess I should add a goal.

Goal #4: To try as hard as I did during SPOP in my current life thingamajiggers-- summer school, work, friendships, family, faith.

Goal #5 (I'm getting cray cray): To apply what I learned from SPOP in my daily life.